According to clinical psychologist Dr Kathy Nickerson, there are four basic behaviors that indicate a divorce may be on the horizon: constant criticism, belittling, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Dr Nickerson believes that while some of these behaviors may seem harmless at first, they can cause irreversible damage.
The research conducted to find these four behaviors was conducted by Dr. John Gottman from the Gottman Institute at Seattle Love Lab. Gottman suggests that if some or all of these behaviors occur frequently enough, they can be considered the heart of the marriage. He found that bonding and friendship can die. And when this bond is broken, it is very difficult to get it back together.
Dr. Nickerson interprets these four behaviors emerging from the research as follows:
1-Constant criticism
Nickerson says, “Criticism occurs when you make harsh judgments about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, character, appearance, and behavior. An example of criticism: “Oh, so you’re going to sit on the couch again today, huh? “You are such a lazy person, you never do anything to help,” he says.
Nickerson says constant criticism hurts the relationship because it carries a sense of judgment and lack of acceptance: “If you don’t feel accepted and loved by your partner, you won’t feel comfortable sharing with them, and your emotional connection will quickly deteriorate.”
2-Contempt, disdain
According to Nickerson, contempt is like poison to a relationship, and he says, “We act with contempt when we communicate through our words or facial expressions that our partner is worthless or disgusting.”
He gives the following sentences as examples: “I can’t believe I married such a disgusting person. You really let yourself go. Looking at you disgusts me.“
Nickerson, Dr. He says Gottman found that contempt is one of the important factors for divorce in the first 6 years of a marriage and says: “It’s hard to like or feel safe with someone who constantly tells you how flawed and wrong you are.”
3-Wall building
Another factor, according to Nickerson, is stonewalling. This may go as far as moving away from your partner while he or she is talking, getting up and leaving the room. Building walls in a relationship is very deadly. Because we know that our partner actually listens to us; We need to feel that he cares about our feelings. If our partner pulls away from us, we don’t feel heard. “We don’t feel understood, we don’t feel validated, and we feel unloved.”
4-Defense
One of the behaviors that may be a sign of divorce is defensiveness. Dr. Kathy, do this instead of one person taking responsibility. He interprets it as times when he constantly defends himself in conversations with his partner:
“For example When your partner is explaining why he/she is hurt by something you did, you quickly start explaining why it was done. You’re probably acting defensively. Constant defensiveness is problematic in a relationship. Because, both partners must feel that they can influence the other in order to feel ‘safe’. Not doing this (constantly defensiveness when explaining your feelings to your partner instead of understanding and being affected) will cause the bond with your partner to become weaker.
SO WHAT TO DO?
Here, Dr Kathy explains how to address each of these four main questions:
Criticism: Is your partner overly critical? If so, ask him/her to give you kind feedback.
Disdain: Are either of you acting with contempt? If so, be mindful of how toxic this is to your relationship and force yourself to communicate with compassion and respect.
Defensiveness: If you or your partner is defensive, try to notice this. People want to ‘rest’ before hearing any explanation or having an argument. Ask yourself: Did he fully express his ideas and validate his feelings? If yes then there is no harm in giving your explanation. If not, stop and listen before you get defensive.
Masonry: ‘If either of you is stonewalling, try taking a break instead. Many people may stonewall when they feel emotionally overwhelmed during a conversation. Ask for a break and then go to a quiet place and calm yourself down.
CONSTANT STRUGGLE DOES NOT BENEFIT ANYONE
Speaking to Daily Mail, Dr. Kathy says that in relationships, couples need to pay attention to their own behavior and sometimes make changes. In this case, you should also ask your partner to change his behavior.
Kathy says constant bickering is not good for either party in the relationship.
Dr. Kathy says, “I’m a fan of saying what you want in a relationship. It’s more efficient and quicker than hinting or waiting for your partner to understand. It’s not enough to just tell your partner you love them. How you treat them matters. Can a plant survive after being poured bleach on it every day?” You can say that you hurt each other and that you are not happy about it.