Famous clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman have been working on marital stability, love, relationships and marriages for many years. According to them, successful couples have an important secret…
In their article for CNBC, they say: As psychologists, we have studied more than 40,000 couples who are about to begin couples therapy. We’ve also been happily married to each other for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about how to have a successful, long-lasting relationship. But that doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes. We argue, we get angry, we get mad at each other. We are human.
However, there is one thing we have learned never to do: fight when we are emotionally overwhelmed.
What is emotional fluctuation?
Emotional volatility is when you feel psychologically and physically overwhelmed. It usually happens during a conflict when our body senses danger and prevents us from having productive conversations. It is seen as a common pattern in unhappy relationships.
Here are some signs of emotional volatility:
- Your heart is beating fast and you feel out of breath.
- Your jaw or muscles tighten.
- You have difficulty hearing your partner.
- You have a hard time focusing on anything outside of your own thoughts.
- You want to scream and say negative things, run away, or ignore your partner.
These behaviors can damage both your partner’s trust in you and the foundations of your relationship. You may stop communicating completely and start getting angry at each other.
How to avoid quarreling with emotional fluctuation?
When you’re emotionally overwhelmed, it’s hard to stop yourself from taking action. You can say things you don’t mean. When we realize we are drowning in an argument, we let each other know: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some alone time.”
Then we go into separate rooms and do an activity that distracts or calms us. This is important: We don’t allow ourselves to get caught up in how sad we are. Instead of, we might do a quick meditation or yoga session, read an article, or play a game on our phone.
Then, we continue the conversation at an agreed time or when we feel better. The important thing is to overcome challenges together as a team.
It’s okay to fight in your relationship. Disagreements are normal and healthy in some cases. Even when conflict gets worse, a couple’s capacity to repair and repair their interactions requires knowing when to step back. That’s why it’s normal to fight. Doing this only when you are calmer and open to discussing an issue instead of fighting will determine the health of your relationship.