Article: Nilgün Yıldız/Formsante
Although sexuality is an act done with emotions, sometimes anger and violence can be added to romantic feelings such as love and sensitivity. Although sexual violence is seen as a fantasy, it is necessary to know the limits. Sexual Therapist, President of the Association of Sexual Health Institute, Dr. Cem Keçe said, “We can define violence as practices that are done to a person against his/her will. This can be physical or emotional, but for violence to occur, the absence of consent is necessary. There may be such violence in sexuality, but the couple has to decide together. If both parties like this kind of games and harshness, if they demand it from each other and do not feel uncomfortable, this is ‘normal’ for that couple and its name is fantasy. When we look at the general sexual fantasies, we see that there are some physical and emotional violence elements together with small love games. In emotional violence, a man can humiliate a woman or a woman may shout at a man… For example, when he says, ‘You are my slave, you will do as I say’, he may pull his hair. Such situations are considered fantasy if both parties consent, and they can be thought of as adding a flavor to sexuality by the couples.
When does it overdo it?
When it hurts the other side, it is overdone. In most sexual fantasies, there is such harm. It’s a pleasure to feel that damage anyway. The scratches that women make on men’s bodies with their nails, and the pain that men create on women while spanking them are all part of this fantasy. The criterion here is the absence of consent, rather than harm, and the lack of qualifications for life. Dr. Cem Keçe said, “We see situations in which there is no consent and that mean life as abnormal and call it violence. This constitutes the sadomasochistic aspect of sexuality. Because there is a sadistic and masochistic core in all of us, it’s about our coming into nature. Because when we are born from our mother, the first time we take air into our lungs, it hurts very much, we feel the first pain at that moment,” he says.
First experience is very important!
If the use of violence has become pleasurable and the partners enjoy it, both partners may have childhood trauma. Emotional and physical violence can occur between parents of both. There may also be people who have been abused by their parents. In other words, people who love violence can be both witnesses and interlocutors to violence between their parents. Even though he is a problem-free child who has not had any problems with his parents, he may have been exposed to physical abuse or violence. Dr. Cem Keçe said, “The interesting thing is, there is a situation that we call the first erotic pleasure, that is, everyone tries to experience the derivatives of how they got the first erotic pleasure. If the first erotic pleasure came with pain, its derivatives are this kind of pain in sexuality. It is a mixture of pain and pleasure. For example, a woman who took her first sexual erotic pleasure in a moment of abuse, by violence, will want and demand to try it with her partner in the future. Because the first pleasure always has the potential to repeat itself,” she says.
If one of the partners does not want
If one of the partners likes violence in bed but the other doesn’t, there is a big problem between this couple. If a party does not consent, it is called harassment, rape or sexual violence.
What kind of treatment is applied?
Dr. Cem Keçe said, “Therapists are working on the treatment of sexual dysfunctions, but while doing this, they also consider the relationship of the couple. First, they look at the couple’s relationship and structure the relationship. Then, if they are able to practice their homework under the name of love games, they first tell the couple about their love games and watch them in the session. Then they ask them to visualize and talk about possible problems. They want them to do these games, which are done with mental animation in the session, at home later. The couple gives feedback after applying them at home, and then the sexual therapist intervenes where necessary. This is the last stage of the treatment, but sexual information is given beforehand. In the second stage, whatever the problem with sexuality is, it is ensured that the problems related to the subject are addressed in the session, then love games are given under the name of behavioral homework. But before such a process begins, the couple is evaluated separately. Then the therapist makes a formulation and accordingly applies the steps I just described.”
Sexual violence is a coercion, a legal problem. Inflicting violence, hurting or harming someone by force, emotionally and physically without their consent is legally considered a crime and this is not called sexuality. Unfortunately, most women are exposed to sexual violence by their husbands. Dr. Cem Keçe said, “Women who have been raped by their husbands have a trust problem. She harbors distrust of her current or future partners. He has a serious self-confidence problem, humiliates himself, begins to think that he is worthless and insignificant. He is usually in a depressed mood. He can’t enjoy life, withdraws into himself, is afraid of the slightest stimulus, he is frightened… In other words, he becomes unable to live his life, to continue his work, and becomes paranoid that everyone will harm him. You appreciate that this dehumanizes that person,” she says.
The vast majority of men who show sexual violence are exposed to both emotional and physical violence. These people may have erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation problems. They may experience coldness towards normal sexual intercourse. If the partner does not comply at first, they may feel cold towards him. They can take pleasure when the partner gets a little tough and starts to humiliate the person. But if a normal partner gets emotional, the erection can’t happen. Because these men’s indulgence is all about toughness. This is why people with similar desires find each other.