You are in a relationship, but you want to end it. You have more or less made this known to the other party, but you received an unexpected reaction. He threatened you with suicide… Don’t know what to do? Or are you not aware of this? How should you act when your partner uses suicide as a threat? Psychologist Yağmur Ertaş He gave important information on the subject.
“I can’t live without you, if you leave me I’ll kill myself…”
Separation always involves various difficulties. And it doesn’t always happen as mutually agreed upon by the parties. In such cases, just as it is difficult for the abandoned party to cope, it is also difficult for the person requesting the separation. The process of ending a relationship can be spent questioning our decisions over and over again or feeling guilty, especially if the other party does not accept it and reacts strongly.
“If you leave me, I will commit suicide…”
When someone we love uses these phrases, we panic.
But we know that these sentences are not the product of a healthy mind. If you have had such an experience, you may have thought that your partner is an obsessive person and has a psychological disorder.
Yes, this is one of the options. Such people, who cannot accept separation or rejection, tend to have borderline personality or dependent personality traits.
But this is not always the truth. When your partner uses suicide as a threat, you may unknowingly find yourself in a cycle of emotional manipulation.
First, I will talk about possible symptoms in people with psychological disorders, in order to distinguish whether it is a real suicide stimulus or emotional manipulation.
one. Borderline (Borderline personality disorder) Sudden mood changes are often seen in people with these characteristics. For them something is either very good or very bad. These people have very little ability to regulate their emotions. They live with constant abandonment anxiety in the relationship. This state of fear and anxiety can cause them to exhibit uncontrolled behavior. When they say they can’t live without you, they really think it will happen. Being abandoned is the scariest thing that will ever happen to them. They react strongly because they think they cannot cope with it.
2. dependent personality disorder It is not very common compared to other psychological disorders. However, it is important for us to distinguish people who tend to have dependent personality traits in relationships. People with dependent personality traits experience a very intense fear of abandonment. Separation anxiety, hypersensitivity to criticism, and need for approval are common symptoms. If you have a partner who has such intense abandonment anxiety and fear, it may be difficult to expect them to react healthy when the separation comes. Often, even when they receive the news of separation, they cannot cope with the feeling of helplessness and act uncontrollably.
The separation process is often difficult and exhausting. However, since these people generally lack the ability to regulate their emotions and live in intense anxiety, they may react more strongly.
The sentence “If you leave me, I will kill myself” can sometimes be a threat and sometimes a real idea. First of all, it is necessary to distinguish whether this is a real intention or not.
If you are planning to break up with your partner who you think has the personality disorder mentioned above, you may need to manage the process with more calm and careful steps. Post-breakup may pose risks such as depression and substance use. If you really think he is at risk of suicide and he tells you about his plans to make it happen, you should get help from a specialist immediately.
Recognize that it is emotional abuse
So, what if your lover, ex-boyfriend or spouse threatens to commit suicide every time you tell him to break up, or even every time his wishes are not fulfilled, how should you treat him?
First of all, the first thing you need to do is to accept that this threat is emotional abuse.
Threatening suicide in relationships is often a manipulative behavior. It means your partner is trying to abuse your emotions such as love and fear.
If emotional abuse is not recognized, it usually ends in surrender. In other words, as a result of this manipulation that you are not aware of, you may find yourself continuing in a relationship you do not want to prevent your partner from committing suicide. On the other hand, when you realize that this is a threat, you may become angry and turn the process into a more damaging one.
Set your limits
The second and most important step against your partner who uses suicide as a threat will be setting boundaries.
If you give up your decision every time someone threatens to commit suicide, this is a sign that you have not fully drawn your boundaries. Giving in to threats and postponing a definitive separation decision will not take your relationship to a better and healthier point. On the contrary, it will make you more angry with him and make you feel disappointed.
Ignoring your partner completely to soften this difficult process may cause their reactions to grow. You can make sentences that say you care about him and understand him. But as I said, draw your limits! What does it mean?
“I understand you’re upset, I care about you, but I can’t stay in this relationship any longer.” In this sentence, we have clearly drawn our boundaries without making the other party feel worthless and completely rejected.
Communicate openly
How you express your decision to break up also determines your partner’s attitude. When you broke up, did you tend to cut off communication completely? Did you withdraw yourself? Have you avoided open communication? If your answer to these questions is yes, you are unintentionally increasing the stress your partner is experiencing.
According to research, the ideal way to express separation is through open communication. Confronting your spouse or lover, not avoiding communication, and conveying to the other party the reasons for your decision and that it is a final decision, helps the process go better.
In this process, you may feel compassion for your partner, but you may get lost in thoughts such as “but he does this because he loves me…”. But you need to know that, throughout your relationship, if your partner frequently threatens suicide when things don’t go well or when he encounters situations he doesn’t want, this is not a sign of love.
Collaborate
Sometimes there may be fluctuations between being supportive and setting limits. Instead, it may be healthier for both you and your partner to get help in cooperation with your partner’s family or friends. Telling your close circle about your decision and its certainty, and having them support your partner, may help your partner accept the situation faster.
Because there is a fine line between not making concessions and setting boundaries, and feeling rejected and lonely. Being completely insensitive to suicide threats may actually lead to a suicide attempt if your partner has the dependent personality and borderline personality traits I mentioned above. First of all, cooperating with relatives and experts will prevent you from being submissive.
Breaking up is a possibility in every relationship, don’t feel guilty
Sentences that use suicide as emotional manipulation, such as “If you loved me, you wouldn’t let me die” or “I’m like this because of you,” can reach an accusatory level. This is an unhealthy way for the other person to try to control your decisions and actions. You should see the unhealthy patterns in your relationship and remember that this is not a sign of love.
When it comes to threatening suicide, which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse, it is important to distinguish between your partner’s threatening patterns and the warning signs of actual suicide. After establishing the right attitude and communication and setting your boundaries, the most important thing you need to accept is that you are not your partner’s psychologist or counselor. We cannot help the person unless he wants it and accepts it.
Ending a relationship that involves emotional manipulation and ending a healthy relationship involve different processes. That’s why you should prioritize your own safety and mental health. You may consider getting help to make the process easier.
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