Writing: Elif Gursoy
Without being mentally and physically healthy; It is difficult to be physically-mentally fit, to feel sexually competent and self-confident, which is a requirement of sexual intercourse. It is impossible to feel sexually aroused and excited. Stating that the first criterion is trust, Uz. Dr. Ayça Can Uz underlines that both partners should feel safe both physically and emotionally. The person needs to be confident that they will not be judged, teased or told about their beliefs, knowledge, desires, behaviors and fantasies about sexuality. Otherwise, he cannot open himself to his partner. Saying that the second is intimacy and privacy, Uz. Dr. “However, real intimacy starts with the mind, not the heart. Privacy develops not by desiring to be close, but by sharing feelings and thoughts. The more couples share their intimacy, the more emotionally close they feel to each other. For this, it is necessary to establish the right communication.”
Where to start a solid communication?
In order to establish a good communication in sexuality, it is necessary to strengthen daily communication first. It is important to use positive language in communication. It is also necessary to verbalize the positive feelings towards the other party, to appreciate and to give positive feedback. However, stating only positives can be perceived as insincerity. In addition, negative emotions that are not shared in the relationship become a grenade ready to explode at any moment. Some couples cut off communication simply because they are afraid to argue. Conflict between two people with different temperaments, backgrounds and family backgrounds is inevitable. Healthy communication also includes healthy discussions. For productive and healthy discussions, it is necessary to abandon two habits: always winning and always being right… Making concessions instead of winning in arguments does not mean losing. Compromise means giving importance to your partner’s feelings, even if you do not agree with them. Stopping being right all the time and accepting that the other person can be right too shows that they are just as good as you and that you appreciate them. The same rules apply to communication in sexual life. Giving positive feedback about what you like during sex, saying love words, complimenting, praising a good partner after sex, and making small closed references to the previous sex during the day strengthen sexual communication. Of course, there may be disagreements due to personal differences. Everyone’s sexual desire, arousal threshold, arousal path, the way they enjoy sexual intercourse and their expression are different. With the right communication, the couple can find the way for a healthy and happy sexuality together by reconciling.
Can body language be part of communication in bed?
In fact, we continue to send messages with our bodies even when we do not speak at all. Of course, sexuality is also an important part of body language communication. Especially touching… While men are easily stimulated by visual material, women are more stimulated by touching. I see couples who spend almost no time for foreplay before intercourse. Without arousal, there is no pleasure or orgasm. After a while, reluctance begins. Because of the difference in arousal between men and women, touching and being touched are of great importance for women.
Which points should be paid attention to in communication, what kind of path should be followed?
Let’s start with bodily communication… Touching, especially during foreplay, should not be limited to the genitals. There are millions of sensors all over our body that detect different types of touch. Why not use them too? For example; The earlobe, neck, upper inner leg, fingers or toes can also be body parts that are highly susceptible to stimulation. It should be noted that touching should not be limited to only sexuality… Otherwise, all touches may begin to be perceived as an invitation to sexual intercourse, causing avoidance of all kinds of contact and causing the couple to distance themselves from each other. Staying close and in contact with each other while resting at home, limiting the time online when together, looking into the partner’s eyes for a short but longer than a moment, reminiscing the actions taken during the dating phase of the relationship, such as holding hands, touching his face, dancing at home or together. Taking a shower can be a way to rejuvenate the relationship. The condition of verbal communication is to talk a lot. However, it is important to talk about the feelings about what happened, rather than the list of what happened during the day. When couples can do this in daily life, they can share their expectations and feelings about sexuality more easily. However, when talking about sexual issues, it is necessary not to blame the other party or to talk in a way that makes you feel guilty. This attitude can cause the other party to get offended or become defensive. Using “I” language in sexual conversations makes the conversation feel less accusatory. For change, it is necessary to focus on the behavior of the other party, not the personality. Because a person can change his behavior even if he is not himself. In describing behavior as an impartial observer, one should not comment on what it might mean. Just sharing feelings, explaining the consequences of these feelings on the couple’s sexual life while opening up the feelings can make it easier for the partner to understand. It’s a good solution to offer clear choices about what other behaviors might be good for them, instead of the other party’s undesirable behaviors.
Why and how do fears and social pressures affect sexual life?
Lovemaking scenes are censored, children’s questions are blocked for disgrace, and parents don’t kiss in front of their children. Therefore, we are constantly faced with the subtitle that sexuality is a bad thing. Also, talking about sexuality causes labels about that person in society. In order not to be the bad woman or the man who is after the worm, sexuality becomes taboo, it is never talked about. Many people experience anxiety and distress about sexuality because of the information we call sexual myths, the information they hear from here and there, or the information they get from porn movies, as a result of social judgments, from the size of their genitals to the frequency of intercourse, to masturbation for protection.
What should the couple do to destroy the myths, shyness and shyness?
If there is no trust problem between the couple or one of the couples does not have self-confidence problems, shyness is mostly due to myths. In order to get rid of the worrying effect of myths, it is necessary to be informed through the right channel. Websites of sexual therapy associations, sexual therapists, psychiatrists, hospitals and information books about sexuality written by these people can be used as correct sources.
What advantages does sexual therapy support provide to strengthen communication?
Couples have the chance to learn and improve themselves on false beliefs that affect sexual life, relaxation, confidence, getting rid of shame, talking, touching, love games, providing the ideal environment, self-confidence and being at peace with their bodies, and finding solutions to problems in their sexual life.
What problems arise if communication in the bedroom is not achieved?
When sexuality cannot be talked about, the tension of the existing problem can be transferred to the other party through other unrelated problems. Labels attributed to the other party regarding the unspeakable problem lead to the continuation of labeling in daily life with selective attention. Couples who frequently argue over minor issues can become even more disconnected from each other as they lack a binding glue like sex.
* Taken from Formsante magazine.