Article: Elif Gursoy/Formsante
What happens when only one party is dominant in a relationship? What difficulties does the passive person face? How should we act to fix this type of relationship? Türkiye Hospital Psychiatrist Dr. G. Bahar Cömert’s last word is about the relationships that only one side said.
HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE A FEMALE-MALE RELATIONSHIP IN WHERE SINGLE PARTY HAS A VOICE?
Some of the perceptions brought by our past culture are that Turkish men say “Whatever I say happens, I’m the head of the house!” causes such statements. Although the man claims to have the last word, I think the woman has a hidden role here. I am of the opinion that he has an influence on the “last word” of men with his politics, his way of doing things without noticing, his thoughts and demeanor. Although the man is relieved to think that he has the last word, something must come together on a common ground. It is most logical to come together in a common thought rather than just someone having the last word. Except for one situation, there is no problem in such relationships, and that is arranged. Because the relationship starts with an agreement, a rule and accepting certain things. That goes on. But if the man is abusing this situation and trying to impose himself, it is unfortunately impossible to talk about the future in that relationship.
WHY DOES THE SPECIAL PARTY FEEL THE NEED TO ACT LIKE ‘ONLY MY WORD IS TAKING THEM’? WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF THIS SITUATION?
The strong person is always calm, confident and quiet. If the person gives the message that I have the say, I have the last word, with his impositions and sanctions, we can assume that the person’s self-confidence is weak and he wants to get somewhere by oppressing others. In fact, this applies to any type of relationship. When someone yells at you and defends their opinion, it actually shows that they are incompetent on the subject. The weaker and weaker the person is in character, the more violent he acts towards the other person. Instead of being calm, he gets aggressive.
WHAT DOES THE PASSIVE PARTY FEEL IN THIS CASE?
In these conditions, we can define the master-slave relationship. In other words, it is seen that one becomes cruel with sentences such as “You will do what I say, you will not do it like this”, while the other is ineffective by saying “Whatever he says happens”, which has little effect on the relationship. The persecuted person sees the right to inflict verbal or physical violence on others, by being constantly bullied as if you are wonderful or magnificent. As the passive person feels that he has lost his existence and value, he treats his own child or other children, animals, plants, in short, everything he can afford, as he is treated. He seems to have accepted the situation as he keeps silent about the person who has the last word, but eventually it explodes somehow. The person is adversely affected by this whole process and suffers from psychiatric diseases. Depression, panic attacks, chronic fatigue occur. Even if these do not occur, there is a constant state of being sick. Because it is thought that the person who tries to dominate verbally or physically will stop only when he is very sick. However, it is believed that the “cruel” character will stop oppressing when they are out of hand.
HOW ACTUAL IS COUPLES WANTED TO INTERVENT IN EACH OTHER’S LIFE IN A RELATIONSHIP?
In fact, what has been seen so far is that men interfere more with women’s lives. But that’s not the case. The same can be said for women. To tell the truth, it is necessary not to evaluate something unilaterally in a relationship. Unless, of course, there are serious violent situations such as rape or harassment involved… I think it is a very nice thing to embrace in a lover relationship. The fine line between indifference and respect must be crossed. He must seem neither too careless nor too overbearing. What we call a relationship should not consist of impositions. If it happens, bells start ringing there and it doesn’t promise a future.
WHAT DIFFERENCES DOES THIS SITUATE BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE?
There is something I have observed in relations in Turkey. Married men break away from their pre-marital state and take on a different state. Everything is perfect before marriage; men receive gifts, express their love at every opportunity and show affection. But after marriage, he suddenly undergoes a metamorphosis. When the concept of family is formed and children are born, the attention towards women decreases. As the responsibilities increase, he is not able to show the old care. He is not fighting for it. But the thing called a relationship gets better when you put effort into it. The more time you take and the more care you take, the better things go. In fact, marriage should not be something that kills the relationship. But unfortunately, the struggle for life, child care, economic conditions put this care in the background.
HOW WOULD YOU GENERALLY DEFINE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MAN ONLY?
To generalize the situation, I think that the woman may have some fault here. Because the woman says “I don’t know, my lord knows” and avoids taking responsibility and leaves the ball to the man. As a result, it is the man who will have the last word, and he acts as if the woman has no say in the next process. But even though it seems like a man who has a say, there are strong women behind the scenes who manage the whole house life…
“Usually, men take an attitude like “I’m the head of the family, whatever I say happens” among their group of friends. He needs these sentences in order not to approach the adjective of being “henpecked” labeled by society. But when he is alone with his lover or wife, there are very romantic moments and attention is shown… So the situation changes a lot when you leave the house.”
HOW CAN I CREATE A RELATIONSHIP ENVIRONMENT WHERE SOMEONE CAN’T SAY THE LAST WORD? WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO MEET ON THE COMMON DEMONSTRATE?
First of all, it is necessary to assimilate that there will be no change in the relationship, in which the person with the last word has spoken until today, unless it is desired. It is not possible for someone who says I am like this, I know, I do or I have the last word to change. Of course, if he doesn’t want it… Couples, especially married ones, should act knowing that both parties have some ideas and wishes in a relationship. No matter how different the decisions, wishes or thoughts may be, they must always strive to find a common path…