Although making the decision to marry is the beginning of a happy period, it can sometimes bring problems. Especially the problems that young married people experience with their families can often be surprising. Specialist Clinical Psychologist Emre Konuk from DBE Institute of Behavioral Sciences talked about the difficulties experienced while preparing for marriage, how the marriage process can be managed, how marriage can be prevented from becoming a power struggle for families, and what are the risk factors that may be encountered in marriage.
Boundaries must be redrawn
While the process right after the decision to get married and the date is determined should go through in a pleasant way, on the contrary, it can be a very intense and tiring process. When it comes to deciding on the carpet to be bought, the seating arrangement, the refrigerator, etc., sometimes two young people who are going to get married can remain passive because they cannot set boundaries at the very beginning. Families and especially mothers; they can intervene in the process in order to have a say, to provide intimacy, to relieve the pain of separation. According to Specialist Clinical Psychologist Emre Konuk, after making the decision to marry, two young people need to determine how they will manage the marriage process. It is important that many stages, from the needs to be taken to the decisions that need to be made financially, are handled one by one by the two people who will get married and the process is determined. If these details are determined and decisions are made by the partners at the very beginning, life is easier and smoother.
Family support is important, but…
Emphasizing the importance of family support before and even after marriage, Konuk said, “The aim of families while giving support should not be to reduce the pain of separation or not to lose strength because they will be separated from their children. It’s like a fight for not sharing a piece of land, because if one side doesn’t, the other side will. If I do not settle in this new house, the other will. Therefore, a process that should be very enjoyable can become very painful and stressful. In order to solve the developing problems, support can be obtained from the wise people in every family. These people have common sense and contribute to the recovery and smoothness of relationships.”
Stating that the risk factors that may be encountered before and after marriage should also be managed correctly, Konuk lists these risks as follows:
– Contempt:In discussions, words, gestures and facial expressions that mean humiliation, contempt, sarcasm, belittling, ridicule lead to contempt.
– Criticism:Personal accusations can be made in discussions.
– Accusation and defense: In discussions, it is necessary to separate the complaint from the accusation. It is natural for an accused person to defend himself. But in the marital relationship, unfortunately, it does not work for the person to defend himself, even without counter-blaming. On the contrary, as he defends, the other party continues his accusations. Because in fact, when I defend myself, I say to the other person, ‘The problem is not me, but you’. Naturally, this game is not played in the above order. Depending on the situation, the parties can leave one and use the other.
– Walling and sulking: At some point in the discussion, one of the parties may withdraw from the relationship and become unresponsive, that is, he may build a wall around himself.
– Overflow and emotional rupture: The person who builds the wall becomes unresponsive and moves away from his wife, while also moving away from his marriage.
– Repair the relationship:
After a hurtful argument, no effort is made to repair the relationship, or it can be unsuccessful.
People to avoid and other risk factors are as follows:
– At the beginning of the relationship, if one of the spouses has alcohol or substance abuse,
– If the spouse does not have at least a few features that are admired and valued,
– If parents, friends are against,
– If the educational/cultural difference is experienced as an inconvenience,
– If sex is the main engine of the relationship,
– If the spouse attributes the problems in the marriage to the mother or father,
– If you think that “it will get better when you get married”,
– If the draw/partner is boring,
– If you have to constantly explain “what is meant”,
– If one of the parties is in the role of protector,
It should be considered that these people may be the wrong choice for marriage.