Writing: Ayşegül Uyanık Ornekhal
Man does most of his existential development and change in bilateral relations. To love, to be loved, to feel special are among the most basic needs of everyone. For this reason, the effort he spends on his relationships is very valuable for the person. While the need based on love can be easily met by some in proportion to the ability to maintain a relationship, some may live in an inextricable crisis. Love is one of the basic nutrients that meets the need to take care of one’s feelings and receive love. Specialist Clinical Psychologist Gizem Mine Çölümlü from Memorial Şişli Hospital pointed out that love, which is also defined as “manic”, that is, exuberant mood in the psychological dimension, can be defined as a state of elevation in which the need for sleep and appetite decrease, and self-confidence and generosity increase with an increase in energy. Love affects us all alike, regardless of age, belief, or group. When you fall in love, life’s priorities and preferences change. When the loved one comes to the agenda, everything starts to take a back seat. In order to make the lover happy, the person sacrifices his hobbies and habits, and can even completely change his lifestyle.
Third parties can be perceived as threats
In every period of romantic relationships, one encounters various difficulties and development opportunities at the same time. It is not uncommon for unfavorable circumstances and a dose of jealousy to fuel love. Jealousy in relationships can feed the relationship when used appropriately, while its excess can cause the death of love and even various tragic problems in the relationship. Stating that jealousy, which develops around the age of three, is a natural emotion and should be evaluated as a reaction to any threat to the relationship, Uzm. cln. Ps. “The feeling of jealousy can be related to a person’s character traits, social environment, and the nature of the relationship. When evaluated in terms of personality traits, it is seen that the self-confidence of the person is low and the feeling of inadequacy is dominant. From a social point of view, a person may think that the characteristics of a third person are better, and this situation can threaten his self-confidence. On the other hand, the nature of the relationship and relational factors, as well as individual factors, can feed the feeling of jealousy. People who are overly dependent on the relationship may experience a much more intense feeling of jealousy. In some, it may be found that the loss or possibility of losing a relationship produces exaggerated destructiveness, anger, aggression, and even violence.”
Your biggest enemy is your jealousy!
Sometimes, the person may try to keep the attention, love and admiration on himself with expensive gifts and words in an effort to prove that he is more beautiful, more attractive, more handsome, more well-groomed, superior, richer, more successful than the third parties who approach his partner in the early stages of the relationship. Sometimes he tries to make his lover jealous in order to keep the attention he is afraid of losing. This can go as far as “notice me” deceptions. The effort to regain lost interest through envy and anger actually does not go beyond a serious threat to the relationship. Seeing jealousy as a symbol of love can prevent you from noticing the damaging aspects of this emotion and its oppressive attitudes towards the person you are in a relationship with. Uz pointed out that the first step in the relationship to overcome this problem is to try to understand why the feeling of extreme jealousy originates. cln. Ps. “Recognizing the emotional, caring and social needs that foster extreme jealousy and their depths adds a satiating and fulfilling value to the relationship. Discovering which sensitive points were touched by the event helps the relationship to overcome this problem. On the other hand, trust in a relationship stands out as a protective factor against all kinds of problems. It supports the future and quality of the relationship by developing and maturing within the framework of the time spent together and the events experienced. Jealousy is less of a threat later in the relationship, as there will be more insecurity early in the relationship.
Love shouldn’t make people unhappy
It is common for social and physical barriers to fuel love in romantic relationships. Differences based on ethnic origins, religious beliefs and family dynamics sometimes increase the attraction between the parties. So much so that difficulties and obstacles intensify passion with emotions. The profiles of people trying to reunite with each other are scenes that we are not strangers to, both in real life and in cinema. Also known as the “Romeo-Juliet effect”, the mechanism of negative events fueling love can change the course of a relationship. This effect can cause the person to surrender to love by ignoring the deadlocks and inconsistencies in the relationship. It is seen that love keeps excitement, enthusiasm and emotional dynamics alive because it includes uncontrolled, unruly, unusual and exaggerated behaviors. “Although it brings a whole set of irresistible and unique emotions, this intensity of emotion can bring emotional fatigue and uneasiness in the future, and can make the serenity clear with essence,” said Uzm. cln. Ps. Çolümlü gives the following information: “In this context, love is preparing its own end. Here is the beautiful thing; It is transforming the positive feelings gained from the beginning into a love that will be strengthened between the parties. If this can be achieved, the foundations for a happy union can be laid, which enables the relationship to grow and develop ‘safely’ on the ground of love and harmony.”
“No love” makes the person tired
Romantic relationship or love can take various forms depending on the attachment patterns (such as mother and other lovers) brought by the person from the past. The person may be inclined to establish relationships that will confirm and support the beliefs and expectations they have acquired in the past. The person who is in supportive relationships that provide trust and harmony, prefers similar relationships in adulthood. A person who has developed the belief that he is not worthy of being loved in the relationships he has established in the past may choose a woman or man who does not make him feel that he is a valuable person and does not value him, and may choose such a person as his wife in his life. In this direction, Uzm stated that “Impossible loves”, where a person is left alone and his security needs are not met, can lead to a destructive and tiring relationship life. cln. Ps. Çolümlü also underlines that unhappy unions result as a result.
How to find the right person?
For a healthy and happy relationship, knowing both yourself and the other party correctly, understanding whether you are suitable for each other, knowing your expectations from the relationship and your structure helps to determine the quality and direction of the relationship. Specialist Clinical Psychologist Müge Çölümlü, who pointed out that the only way to protect loved ones and love and to get closer is to express oneself, said, “Of course, there cannot be a perfect couple definition and criteria, and the most compatible couple should be aware of the reasons behind their incompatibility and emotional needs, and likewise satisfy the other side. It seems that it consists of people who are sensitive to their wishes and needs.”
* Taken from Formsante magazine.