The Daily Top 10 » Comedy

Top 10 Frightening Things to Hear From a Woman

fairlane — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 14:14:34 +0000

They say women are more dangerous than a gun because women can kill you slowly… without you knowing it… and even when you realize what is happening, you’ll be willing to go through over and over again.

They are also one of the scariest creatures on Earth and they have some of the most dangerous weapons on Earth, words, pout and sexual appeal. So when they use these three at the same time, you have to run.

10. We need to talk

No good thing has ever followed these words. Have you ever heard someone say “We need to talk, you won the lottery” or “We need to talk, you inherited a house.” It doesn’t happen that way. Disastrous is what follows those words.

Come on, when was the last time someone told you, “We need to talk…”. So when a girl tells you these four words, close your eyes and imagine death, because that’s what’s going to happen next.

9. I need to find myself

Okay, this is one of those things that only women can pull off. I mean, how do you even lose yourself? You schizophrenic or something? What they are actually saying is that they are confused and they don’t know what they want which is really nothing out of the ordinary considering they don’t know what they want half the time and when they do figure out what they want, they don’t like it anymore.

So when they say ‘I need to find myself’, you go fuck yourself because you have a better chance of getting something out of it than trying to change her mind.

8. Aren t you forgetting something?

You are in big shit!

When you hear these words you have to pray… pray that a meteor come crashing down on Earth and hits you to bury you straight to hell because Satan is going to be a better company than the girl asking your that question.

7. Do you love me?

She is asking because:

you don’t say it enough (for her)
she doesn’t feel it
you suck at showing it
she needs something and saying yes will take away any right you have to say no

6. Where is this Headed?

Babies, a wedding gown, an entourage, and a house and a lot… you need to start planning for your wedding, talk about how many years your children should be far apart, meeting the future in-laws… those are the only acceptable answers to that question.

Top 10 Weirdest College Scholarships

fairlane — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 14:18:07 +0000

There is no lack of opportunity for students to get into college without drowning in debt. There are many kind-hearted souls out there who are willing to go the distance to give you a future. It is just that sometimes, these guys are crazy.

Who would ever think of asking people to make a dress using duck tapes in exchange of college money?

Anyway, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you are hard-pressed for funds, try one of these college scholarships. Most of these are so crazy, I doubt if there many students out there trying out for these ones.

10. Ducks

High school seniors who find themselves talented at calling ducks can partake in this national competition where the champion duck-caller wins $2,000. The competition has been running for 34 years now and takes place during the Duck Festival in Stuttgart, Arkansas.

9. The Carnegie Mellon Bagpipe Scholarship

Lucky pipers planning on majoring in the bagpipes at Carnegie Mellon have it easy compared to other music majors, as there is usually only one applicant at a time for this scholarship. Some years, there haven’t been any at all.

8. The American Nudist Research Library Scholarship

The American Nudist Research Library was established back in 1979 to preserve the history of the nudist movement. And if you’re a nudist, don’t mind hanging out in Florida a while, and can offer the Library assistance upon graduating, they’re more than willing to fork over some cash for your studies. To quote their website, “The Library is a clothing optional facility, however, to maintain the integrity of our aging documentation, it is air conditioned to a temperature in the lower 70’s F.”

7. The Starfleet Academy Scholarship

It’s only $500, but that’s no amount to sniff at. As long as you’ve been a Starfleet member in good standing for one year, you can apply for one of the Starfleet Academy Scholarships, all of which are named after characters and performers who have been featured on Star Trek. The celebrities in question actually sponsor their named scholarships as well. Neat!

6. The National Marbles Tournament Scholarship

Everyone loved marbles as a kid, and if you’re between the ages of seven and fifteen, you can actually win a decent chunk of change playing the game. As long as you can beat out the other 1200 competitors, there’s a purse of around $4000 to be won. Of course, if you’re between the ages of seven and fifteen, you’re probably not reading this article.

Top 10 Types of Bosses

fairlane — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:35:54 +0000

I don’t mind a boss who doesn’t know shit about the work that needs to be done, what I mind is the boss that doesn’t know shit but acts like he does.

I’ve been in the workforce long enough to have my share of the different kinds. some of them I don’t mind but most of them made me want to become a murderer.

What kind of boss do you have?

10. The Cool One

He is the cool one. He knows what he knows and he knows what he doesn’t know.

What he lacks in technical skill, he compensates with his management skill.

He makes people feel at ease, he knows how to clean up the shit and doesn’t leave his employees alone in the dark. He guides people. He may not always know the way but he will never leave your side until you reach the destination.

9. The Expert

He is the man.

Like Gil Grissom of CSI. He deserves to be in that spot. He is a great leader, an expert in that field, and will never give anyone shit. But he also knows how to take care of his employees. He knows a talent when he spots one and he will make sure the employees grow.

He doesn’t mind giving the spotlight to his employees and will, in fact, go to great lengths to make sure the employee shines.

8. The Traditional Guy

He is the boss, he has the last say, what he says is the law, and he is never wrong.

People should come in at 9 and go home at 6. They should always wear office clothes, call him sir/ma’am, polish their shoes and report their every move to him. No compromise.

7. The Clueless but Kind

He really doesn’t know shit but you forgive him because he is kind. He doesn’t always make the right decisions but he never has any evil intention.

He doesn’t really need to tell anyone that he doesn’t know what to do because you can just feel it but since he is kind, you tend to be the fall back, the safety net, the last line of defense just as so he could save face.

6. The Strict One

The nazi.

He does everything by the book and doesn’t listen to shit because he gives no shit.

He is not always smooth when it comes to training the employees but hey, he gets it done.

Top 10 Types of Employees

fairlane — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 14:14:44 +0000

It’s fascinating how an office manages to attract different kinds of people and it is even more fascinating how these different kinds somehow manage to “get along”. The result is sometimes a comical convergence of different culture, sometimes unbelievable clashes of personalities, or amazing success to the benefit of the employers.

So here they are, the different kinds of employees you will find in every office.

Which one are you?

10. Clowns

The official laughing machine in the office. They have a stack of one liners that is bound to shake everyone back to their work mode when the weather is becoming too gloomy, they have epic comebacks to every attempt at turning the tables on them, they pick on everyone for their own amusement and they don’t mind being picked on either.

They aren’t the best employees but every office needs them if only to keep everyone’s sanity.

9. Geeks

They work and they don’t give a fuck about everyone or anything else. You can turn their job upside down and they will still know exactly how it is done. When something needs to get done, they will get it done. They often forget lunch breaks and they don’t know the names of their officemates.

8. Hollow Man

No one knows exactly what they do in the office because when they are there, they don’t seem to be doing anything and something needs to get done, they aren’t there.

7. Spice Girls

The Barbie dolls. They set fashion trends in the office, their favorite topics are make ups, shoes and bags. They don’t like having lunch breaks because they are always on a diet and they are perpetually concerned about their appointment with their manicurist/pedicurist.

They spend more time planning where to have a drink after work than their major presentation.

6. The Jocks

The male counterpart of the Barbie Dolls. They are the Kens.

Borderline gay. Gotta have those well-defined six packs.

Top 10 Types of Men From the Eyes of Women

fairlane — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 14:30:00 +0000

Just because you have a well-defined six pack and perpetually flexed muscles don’t mean they are an instant hit with girls. Fact is, different women prefer different types of men. Some are into the jocks, the others the bad boys. Some are into thin men and other fat ones.

Below are the types of men according to how women see them.

Much thanks to the women in my life for their help in putting this together.

10. The Romantic Guy

He is the flowers and chocolates kind of guy. He whispers sweet nothings, big on surprises and will never hesitate to put up a production show to celebrate the girl’s birthday. He never forgets birthdays and anniversaries and will go out of his way to call the girl’s friends to ask for advise on what to give his girl for her birthday.

Why is he the right one for you: A girl loves to feel that someone finds it worth the effort to make her happy. It boosts her self worth to know that one person in this world is willing to do anything for her.

9. The Jock

The captain of the football team (or whatever sport), about 75% of women in school feel their spines tingle whenever he passes them, he is Ken and every girl wants to be his Barbie.

Why is he the right one for you: Because every girl wants to be other women’s envy.

8. The Geek/Intelligent

The go-to guy when it comes to anything academics. He has a firm grasp on atomic bombs, World War I, International Monetary Fund and the Black Hole. He can go on for hours talking about how the tectonic plates will eventually make the US a hot country. But he doesn’t always understand women.

Why is he the right one for you: There is something exciting about men who are perpetually awkward with women. It is especially exciting when they are helpless and comes to a full surrender when he upsets the girl. It’s funny, it’s charming and it’s totally innocent.

7. The Big Brother

He always knows the solutions to all your life altering problems, he always has the answers to life’s most puzzling questions, he always has the time to help out anyone who is in need. He is the most mature, the most reliable and the most responsible.

Why is he the right one for you: Because nothing beats the feeling of having someone whom you know you can count on when things become rough. Women like being the girl in the relationship, they like having someone to lean on, someone who got things figured out.

6. The Pefect Gentleman

He holds open her car door and pulls out her chair. He foots the bill for dinner and makes sure to offer her dessert. He always asks her out with reasonable notice and picks her up at her door. He is generally sensitive to how she is feeling and when she is ready to go home. He calls when he says he will and does what he says he will do.

Why is he the right one for you: Once a woman has gone through her share of the bad guy, the rude guy and the not-calling-her-back guy, she will likely re-evaluate her priorities. It takes a bit of maturity on her part to realize this, but eventually most girls come around and realize that they want a guy who will treat them well in the long run, this is the kind of guy for them.

Top 10 Types Of Women from the Eyes of Men

fairlane — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 14:45:34 +0000

I’ll probably be accused of being a chauvinist pig for this post. People will be accusing me of thinking that women aren’t men’s equal.

Of course, women aren’t men’s equal. Women are superior. =) I grew up with women, I got my ass kicked by women far too many times to even think for a second there is something in this world women can’t never do better than men. It’s the opposite actually. I don’t remember ever doing anything better than they did.

10. The Queen Bitch

The leader, the trendsetter, the one who bosses around her minions. She’s the prettiest, the sexiest and a headturner. She’s the prettiest face you will ever see up close and personal.

She expects to be served hand and foot… and she is never wrong.

She knows what she deserves and she doesn’t settle for anything less. The only opinion that matters is the one that agrees with her.

If you guys want her, you may have her… in her terms.

9. The Damsel in Distress

She’s always sad, always in trouble, can’t do anything by herself, and scared of everything.

She makes men feel needed.

Uh, as I’v said, the women I grew up with did and still do kick my ass so I don’t know what’s the deal with the Damsels but I guess they are the perfect match for guys who like being the hero.

8. The Princess

If the queen rules with fear, she rules with cuteness.

She’s the youngest in every group she belongs to. She’s the little sister that everyone protects against the big bad world. She’s fragile and helpless like a cute kitten you want to cuddle with.

She makes you feel you need to protect her all the time and don’t let the big bad world get to her. Always hold her hand when she’s going down the stairs, open the door for her, pull her chair for her and give her your jacket when you two are walking under the cold evening sky.

7. The Independent One

The exact opposite of the Damsels.

The independent ones don’t need no help. They can do things on their own and are perfectly capable of being happy even when alone. They have opinions on stuff and they keep them. They make their own money, they have their own house and they make their own decisions.

Don’t expect her ask for your permission if she wants to go out with her friends, if she tells you about it, consider yourself lucky but never ever forbid her for doing things without your knowing it.

6. The Savior

Then there’s the person you run to for help. You don’t notice her being around until you get into trouble.

All it takes is one call and she’s by your side. She doesn’t ask for anything in return. She does your assignments, gives you a call when you need to bail out off a terrible date, will pretend to be your wife to get out of a relationship and will lend you her bra if it will save your life.

In a group, she seems the most mature and she doesn’t seem to need anything. She’s calm and she doesn’t get into drama except in the last minute, to save the leading character.

Top 10 Friends Bloopers Collection

fairlane — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 14:30:21 +0000

Forgive me for going down the memory lane.

I miss Friends. Although How I Met You Mother and Big Bang Theory seem to be filling some of the void, there are still nights when I lay down thinking about what could be happening with Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey.

Here are some of their bloopers from seasons 1 to 10.

10. Season 1

Season 1 really defined everything the show was going to be. Rachel walking in Central Perk in her wedding gown to find Monica. Monica is her highschool bestfriend who has a brother, Ross. Ross has had a crush with Rachel for the longest time. Ross is friends with Chandler. Chandler is friends with Joey. They all met Phoebe in Central Perk.

9. Season 2

The first season ended with Rachel realizing she likes Ross and decides to tell him about her feelings once he comes home from a vacation but she discovered that Ross is dating Julie (Lauren Tom), someone he knew from grad school. Rachel’s attempts to tell Ross she likes him mirror his failed attempts in the first season. As we all know, that worked out and they eventually started a relationship.

Joey gets a part in the soap opera Days of our Lives, Monica begins dating Richard (Tom Selleck), a friend of her father but ended the relationship when Monica discovered he doesn’t want anymore children.

8. Season 3

Rachel gets a new job in Bloomingdale and her relationship with Ross starts hitting bumps. They eventually “took a break”. Ross, hurt and drunk, sleeps with someone else which Rachel learned. She breaks up with him permanently.

Phoebe meets his half-brother (Giovani Ribisi) and birth mother (Teri Garr). She eventually agrees to become the surrogate mother of his child.

Joey develops a relationship with his acting partner Kate (Dina Meyer), and Monica begins a relationship with millionaire Pete Becker (Jon Favreau).

7. Season 4

In the fourth season premiere, Ross and Rachel briefly reconcile but that didn’t last long.

Phoebe becomes a surrogate mother for her brother and his wife Alice (Debra Jo Rupp).

Some switching of apartments happened when Monica and Rachel lost a bet.

Monica and Chandler sleep together during the wedding of Ross with Emily (Helen Baxendale), and the season finale features their wedding in London.While saying his vows, Ross said Rachel’s name instead of Emily.

6. Season 5

Monica and Chandler tries to keep their relationship a secret and Phoebe gives birth to his brother’s triplets in the show’s 100th episode.

Ross’ and Emily’s wedding is called off. Ross is unwilling to give up his friendship with Rachel as Emily demands. Monica and Chandler told their friends about their relationship. They were supposed to get married on a trip to Las Vegas, but changed their plans after Ross and Rachel drunkenly stumble out of the wedding chapel.

Top 10 Famous Bets

fairlane — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 14:30:22 +0000

Everyone bets but there are few bets that sent the world into laughter for the sheer amusement value of the price. I remember this guy who bet a friend he will get breast implants for $25,000. He did and he is now $25,000 richer. The more amusing thing is that he still has the breasts.

Doped.

The list below features the most amusing bets celebrities got themselves into.

10. Shaquille o Neil

NBA star Shaquille O’Neal and a friend debated whether or not he can get into the White House without an appointment. The price, 1,000 push ups. If he couldn’t get past the gate, he would do 1,000 pushups. If he made it inside, his buddy would have to do the pushups.

Shaq finally gave it a try. The secret service agent politely told him he can’t go in. I think he is done with his 1,000 push ups by now.

9. Johnny Ace

Johnny Ace (John Marshall Alexander, Jr.) is a singer. He did one of the most stupid or bravest (depending on how you look at it) bet ever known to men, Russian roulette.

Before he pulled the trigger he said, “Don’t Worry it’s not loaded.”

He was wrong… so wrong.

8. Evil Knievel

He gambled with his life everyday but Evil Knievel his 37 year old doctor $10,000 that he would outlive the younger man. However, in 2007, Knievel lost the bet when he passed away.

I don’t know how the pay out worked.

7. Jimmy the Greek

Known gambler Jimmy the Greek had bet $10,000 on Truman at steep 17:1 odds. In all fairness, he researched the odds and realized that female voters didn’t like facial hair. He knew it wasn’t looking good for Dewey.

6. Arnold Palmer Bets on Romance

Arnold Palmer wanted to propose to his girlfriend but he couldn’t afford a ring. So, he borrowed money from friends which they lent to him. When they invited him to New Jersey, he though of a way to pay off his debt. He invited them to play at the New Jersey’s Pine Valley Gold Club, one of the hardest course in the country. He bet to get $100 for every stroke he finished under 70. If he played poorly on the notoriously tough course, he would shell out $100 for every stroke he finished over 80. Although he bogeyed the first hole, Palmer repeatedly used this system along with a variety of side bets to wriggle out from under $5,000 in debt in a single weekend.

Top 10 Funniest Drunken Celebrity Moments

fairlane — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 14:30:07 +0000

I love booze.

These celebrities seem to share that sentiments with me and just like me, some of them have had the funniest drunken moments caught on tape.

P.S. I only included those that have live videos so you will not see the priceless Lindsay moments here.

Enjoy.

10. Orson Wells Calling On The French

Orson Welles have always been prim and proper so seeing him pissed drunk films a commercial for Champagne is a little entertaining. In this commercial shoot, he insisted on drinking several bottles before the take.

By the time the camera rolled, you can see the dread on the face of the actors anticipating some form of humiliating experience for Welles. He almost fell asleep and only woke up when the director called “action”.

9. Britney Spears caught on camera

Which one is the loser? Spears of Federline?

She’s got the millions and the love of the whole world and she manages to steal someone’s husband who obviously wanted nothing but her money.

8. Mariah Carey

You bad girl, you.

Usually a picture of perfect finesse, Carey came out to present an award pissed drunk and talking gibberish.

Has Eminem seen this side of you before?

7. Grace Jones on Russell Harty

I actually don’t know this woman. Apparently, she’s more popular for her attitude than her music. Her most popular hissy fit happened on live TV when she forbade the host to talk with the other guest. She actually hit the host.

6. Amy Winehouse meets Charlotte Church

When two outstanding talents come together to reinterpret an epic song, you can expect nothing short of a legendary performance… or not.

Amy had a little too much of the free booze backstage and when she starts singing with Charlotte, she decided to redo the song altogether. Amy chose to perform her section of Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It’ in the manner of Vic Reeves doing his pub singer impression. Poor Charlotte was left to belt out the rest of the song, while occasionally glancing sideways to ensure her guest was still upright.

Dive-behind-a-cushion moment: During the “talk” part of the show, Amy had stumbled and smashed her foot on a glass table, resulting in a horrified gasp from the studio audience.

Top 10 Mind Boggling Celebrity Relationships

fairlane — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:30:59 +0000

You have to hand it to Hollywood to give us the most mind bending, brain twisting, jaw dropping, saliva flowing relationships.

These relationships are either so strange it will leave you thinking if destiny is just playing us for fools or so funny you’ll think they’re trying to set a world record for comedy or something.

10. Woody Allen & Soon-Yi Previn

Woody Allen married Mia Farrow and adopted her daughter Soon-Yi Previn. Previn was eight years old. He raised her with Farrow. In 1992, Farrow found naked photos of Soon-Yi in Allen’s apartment and later on discovered Previn and Allen have been having an affair. Previn was 22 and Allen was 56.

Allen parted ways with Farrow and married Soon-Yi in 1997. Both of Allen’s biological children refused to see him. Allen and Previn have two adopted daughters.

9. Mel Gibson & Britney Spears

Mel Gibson has been reaching out to Britney Spears to talk about his drama with Oksana, his concern over losing custody of his daughter, and his fears that his career is dunzo.

Reportedly, he did the same for her when she was the one going through all the trouble.

8. Angelina Jolie and her brother James Haven

Angelina said “I am so in love with my brother right now” when she won the Oscars for Best Supporting Actress and the, they kissed passionately in 2000 on TV with many fellow celebrities looking on (and the siblings resembling a unpolished, Goth-obsessed pre-Twilight pair).

They, however, both insist they were just a close brother and sister who relied on each other for support when their parents divorced. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is said to be named after uncle James Haven, whose parents had once intended to call him by the same name.

7. Blanche Dumas and Jean dos Santos

Jean (or Juan) Baptista dos Santos is said to have been a “Gipsey”, born in Faro, Portugal around 1843. He possessed two functioning penises and three scrota, the outer two of which each contained a single testis. Dos Santos claimed that the central scrotum had also contained a pair of fully-formed testes, but that these had retreated into his abdomen when he was ten years old. He also had a third leg.

Blanche Dumas had four breasts and two vaginas (and also a third leg). Dumas was working as a high class prostitute in Paris. Dos Santos travelled to Paris and it is believed that the two had a torrid affair.

Morgan Freeman, 72, had an alleged 10-year affair that resulted to his split with second wife Myrna Collie-Lee split up. The ten-year affair is with Collie-Lee’s granddaughter, E’Dena Hines together. That means E’Dena Hines was 17 when it started.

They are not related biologically, FYI.